i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
