I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
