Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
