dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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