im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
