I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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