dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
