Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
