PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
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