I wish I only lived at night.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
