Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
