The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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