my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
