Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
