so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
