Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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