Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
