i think my mom watched the whole time
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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