i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
