I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
