you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just had sex on a roof
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
