I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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