she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i dont even know how to be here
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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