do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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