dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
