Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
