i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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