I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
