i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
