Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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