Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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