this beer tastes like vomit already
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
