How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
