I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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