I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I checked into jail on foursquare
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
