Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
