when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
