New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
