If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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