Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
