i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
