Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
