I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
