Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
