Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
