you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
