I haven't been this sober since birth.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Acid is not a monday night drug
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
