best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
