I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Randomize
