Everything about him screamed your future.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
