He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
