Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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